Saturday, September 7, 2019
how not to screw yourself for marriage intending couples
This is a guide on how not to screw yourself specially crafted for marriage-intending individuals.

In Nigeria, the church and its administrators are a powerful force. If you plan on getting married in a church in Nigeria, it is essential that you understand this power and the people who wield it. Failure to do so invariably leads to something of an ostracization—no serious church person would consider you as a marriage prospect. So it is imperative that you carefully read this post. And yes, take notes.

The governing council that deliberates on who you should or should not marry is chaired by the Man of God. You must identify who the Man of God is and subsequently join the queue of cowering subservience like every other church person.

To identify the Man of God, you must understand the Igbo principle of Nkali which states that the one who holds the power holds the right to call the shots. Even when "the shots" mean choosing for you who you should marry. How dare you think that you have enough understanding of the sacred institution of marriage to make your own choice for a marriage partner? Wisdom is profitable to direct. So be guided—and that by the Man of God.

Having understood the principle of Nkali, you must now carefully scan the church for the one who calls the shots. You can't possibly miss this. The Man of God is a blinding vision of power in a crisply ironed black suit, and in his hand is the hallowed sceptre of instruction, the microphone. He is usually seated in front, in the best chair and beside him, a cold bottle of Eva water rests on a side stool. He is surrounded by members of the council of elders—pastors in training—who in comparison to his, sit in less respectable chairs.

 You must know and accept your place of submission. You don't want to mess with the anointing. When the Man of God climbs down from that elevated mount of reverence—the altar—to stand right before the congregation, you must stand up too, if you are seated in the front row. Who are you to sit down when the Man of God is standing right before you? Does God speak to you one-on-one? Know your place and get with the program!

Now that you have established who the Man of God is, you must meet him after the service to tell him about your prospective marriage partner, so that he can register his approval or disapproval. Without his approval, that person you have been constantly texting to just check up on, that person that has kindled in you, a cocktail of emotions that you cannot simply find the words to explain, will remain a mere marriage prospect and will never make the transit into the grand realm of spousal relationship.

Not long ago, an acquaintance of mine lamented to me about how a Man of God dissuaded her marriage prospect from marrying her, calling her a "liability." Her marriage prospect terminated the relationship because she is a common undergraduate, still without a degree, still without a job, a liability—and who knows when she would finish school given the solid possibility of strikes and how long it would take to get a good job seeing the tough competition in the labour market? So he ended the relationship because he understands well the principle of Nkali, and the Man of God was indeed doing him a favour, saving him from marrying a jobless woman—a woman who would sit in his house and eat his food and increase his monthly expenses and perhaps reduce the offering he gave to church. How can it ever be God's will to marry a liability? God's will is to marry a "working-class" woman, preferably a banker or a doctor, someone who would also bring in money, not a common undergraduate that is yet to find her feet. God likes women with strong feet!

If the Man of God does not disapprove of your marriage prospect but invites you and your marriage prospect for a meeting with the council of elders who preside over marriage, you must prepare yourself for brutal, personal level interrogation. You will almost feel naked. Please be prepared.

Possible points to be raised in the marriage council interrogation:
        Are you are a virgin? (Whether you are male or female is inconsequential, but in the unfortunate case of being female, know that your interrogation will be stricter).
        If you are not a virgin, when did you lose your virginity? Have you repented, you terrible fornicator?
        Have you visited your prospective spouse in their place of abode? (If you say yes, they will assume you have done something sinful and will duly prescribe for you months of sober reflection with prayers and fasting so that you learn to avoid every appearance of evil).
        Have you two known each other? (Don't be confused. That's just King James English for "have you sexually known each other?" You must understand that the council of elders are like raving police dogs on a hunt for a sin, and will sniff through every detail of your life in order to detect sin, especially sexual sin. Be guided).

In the event that you ace the interrogation and the Man of God puts his divine seal of approval on your marriage prospect, you must quickly go out, hustle and make more money. Our God is not a poor God! Can I get an Amen? And note that a large percentage of this money would be spent on the church and the paraphernalia associated with conducting a church marriage. You must prepare yourself.

A relative of mine about to get married sent me a WhatsApp photo of his church's list of requirements for marriage and because I am considerably a good human being, I will reveal to you the essentials in that list so that you don't mess up and anger the custodians of marriage.

Notable points to avoid angering the custodians of marriage:

The officiating priests of this church will be appreciated with a minimum of Twenty-Thousand naira (N 20,000) but any increase on this God will bless you the more.

Point one: Even if you sum up all the amounts on the list of requirements, be informed that an abrupt change can be made and you are obligated to comply. It doesn't matter if you've exhausted your savings. The custodians of marriage must be duly appreciated. Note, it is an appreciation, not a payment, albeit a compulsory appreciation. Just pray that God will bless you the more.

The entertainment of the clergy is very important and should be taken very seriously.

Point two: The custodians of marriage don't joke with their stomachs. You had better not joke with it too.

The food and drinks must be in the Man of God's house BEFORE the wedding service dismisses.

Point three: It is of no concern to the custodians of marriage that it your wedding day—your spectacular day of selfishness. After all, a wedding is only about a couple and is of particular importance to the bride. The custodians of marriage don't give a damn. While you're inside that church hall, all decked in the glory of a wedding gown or wedding suit, your stomach probably empty because you couldn't possibly eat breakfast with all the attending wedding day jitters, you better have made arrangements for the food of the custodians of marriage. You don't want to mess this up.

Make sure you serve us the following: rice (Jollof or stewed), swallow with choice soup, a full fried chicken, one carton of malt, two cartons of bottled water.

Point four: Need I say more about the importance of the stomachs of the custodians of marriage? See to it that your caterer or whoever is in charge of food is copiously informed of the divine menu for divine men. About the "choice soup", see to it that the said choice soup is a colloidal mass of a deeply flavoured assortment of meats and stockfish and tripe. And that full fried chicken should be able to compete with KFC chicken. The custodians of marriage don't eat hard chicken meat that do not easily dissolve in the mouth. Be guided.

The wedding gown MUST be inspected by my wife before the wedding day.

The custodians of marriage do not care if your wedding gown is made by Vera Wang. I doubt they even know her. The custodians of marriage do not care if you bought the wedding gown directly from America or Singapore with crisp, cold dollars. All they know is that it better not show the slightest of cleavage or even a good deal of your arms. Do you want to commit the sin of temptation on your wedding day? Do you want to seduce other men on your wedding day, right in the house of God? Please, please, perform all your acts of seduction for your husband within the confines of your bedroom. Now, promptly take that expensive wedding gown to the pastor's wife, and call her "Mommy" and hope that she gives you permission to wear your own dress which you bought with your own money.

Thank you for reading. Leave a comment below and share this post.

Postscript: This is a satirical post. I hope you have a sense of humour.

Click here to check out my first post, if you haven't.


Powered by Blogger.
Back to Top